THE MENSTRUATION BAN TRILOGY
© InYourFaceNewYorker, 2006 and 2010
MENSTRUATING WOMEN CAN BE CHARGED WITH MURDER
April 12th, 2013
Following the introduction of a new law outlawing menstruation passed last month by President Sarah Palin, all American women were ordered to have sexual relations with their husbands, boyfriends, or male friends/acquaintances, or go to sperm banks to ensure fertilization of their next egg. Failure to do so could result in a fine of up to $100,000 plus up to 45 years in prison.
“So many eggs… that have the potential to become human beings, are being flushed down the toilet or absorbed in sanitary napkins every month,” said recently elected American President, Sarah Palin. “It disgusts me that so many babies are being killed every month. Imagine that your 25-year-old daughter has been getting her period for 14 years. That’s 168 babies– at least– being tragically killed. This cannot go on. God will not stand for it. In fact, His purpose for making women menstruate is so they can see the blood of these poor babies being passed into the toilet.”
Women were given a month in which to get their latest egg or eggs fertilized or face murder charges.
“A month is more than ample time,” said Palin. “If you can’t find a way to fertilize that egg in that amount of time, then you’re a murderer– plain and simple. We need to start choosing life.”
The passing of the new law was met with outrage when pro-choice groups demanded to know why their daughters, some as young as ten, had to get pregnant.
“I don’t want my ten-year-old daughter to have to get pregnant already,” said a Philadelphia mother, whose daughter just got her first period in February. “No kid that age should have to carry a baby around for nine months. It’s bad enough this new law will require her to do it every year until menopause.”
When asked if masturbation and nocturnal emissions are murder, as millions of sperm are wasted at a time, Palin said, “Yes, it is murder. Masturbation is a sin. I can do very little to outlaw it, as much as I want to. And maternal [sic] emissions? That can’t be helped. You can’t help what you do in your sleep.”
Many people responded in outrage at Palin’s implication that menstruation should be easy enough to prevent, whereas nocturnal emissions “can’t be helped,” and that she can do “very little to outlaw [masturbation].”
“Why isn’t Palin having any babies herself? ” asked a San Francisco woman who asked not to be identified. “Has she already reached menopause, or is she a murderer too?”
When this question was asked again by a New Yorker at a recent press conference, Palin refused to comment.
MENSTRUATING WOMAN CHARGED WITH MURDER, POSSESSING TAMPONS
(San Francisco, CA)
October 21st, 2015
It started with a landmark act that was passed over two years ago by President Sarah Palin, a law outlawing menstruation and requiring women to fertilize every egg that they release from menarche until menopause. Anybody in violation of this law could be convicted of murder.
For the most part, women don’t want to spend the rest of their lives in prison– or have to submit to the death penalty– and thus followed the law with surprisingly little protest. Those who didn’t agree moved to Canada.
“Good riddance,” said Palin, when asked what she thought of women who moved to Canada to avoid arrest. “We don’t need vermin like that here. We’re a good, God-fearing Christian nation, and I intend to keep it that way.”
However, Jane Smith, 25, was arrested last week on charges that she obtained illegal birth control, stopped getting pregnant, and started menstruating. Her sister, Jessica, immediately alerted police when she discovered boxes of condoms, birth control pills, and tampons in the cabinet under the sink in Jane’s bathroom.
Smith, of San Francisco, is a mother of four and should have been pregnant with her fifth child by now. When questioned by police, she broke down in tears.
“I already have four kids, and they’re hard enough to control,” said Smith. “I can’t handle any more, and I can’t deal with postpartum depression. I just don’t ever want to be pregnant again.”
Smith was ordered held without bail when she confessed that she didn’t want to have any more children. Her four kids were immediately placed in foster care.
“If she willingly kills a defenseless little egg,” said Federal Judge Hubert Jones, “who’s to say where she’ll draw the line? Who’s to say she won’t murder her own kids if she doesn’t want them anymore? This is a very dangerous situation.”
If convicted, Smith faces life in prison without the possibility of parole. Some prosecutors are also seeking the death penalty.
TEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL LOOKING AT POSSIBLE LIFE SENTENCE, DEATH PENALTY
(Corpus Christi, TX)
March 26th, 2017
A ten-year-old girl who got her period for the first time last week refuses to get her next egg fertilized. U.S. law, following President Sarah Palin’s 2013 national ban on menstruation, requires that all girls, following their first period, immediately arrange to get their next egg fertilized. They are required to fertilize every egg they release until they reach menopause.
“It’s a shame we can’t figure out when a girl will get her first period,” Palin had said when the law was first passed. “Otherwise we would require girls to fertilize the very first egg they release. It’s a shame to see human life get flushed down the toilet like that, even if just once in the woman’s lifetime.”
President Palin, who has just begun her second term in office, is hoping that science will find a way to determine menarche so girls will waste no time in getting pregnant. “There should be a way,” she says. “I have faith that God will guide us towards that.”
All other girls who have begun menstruating are wasting no time in getting pregnant– the punishment for menstruation is life in prison without chance of parole, or the death penalty.
Linda Stevenson, 10, of Corpus Christi, Texas, just got her first period last week and insists she’s not ready to get pregnant.
“I don’t want to… you know… do it with a guy. That kinda scares me,” said Stevenson. “My mom didn’t do it until she was in college.”
This particular fear instilled in girls today is of increasing concern, but President Palin has said several times that sexual activity isn’t necessary, that one can go to a sperm bank instead in order to get pregnant.
“That still freaks me out,” said the girl. “And I don’t want to have to carry a baby around for 9 months and then have to take care of it. Why can’t I just ride bikes with my friends like my mom did when she was a kid?”
“Of course someone would say something like that,” says Palin with a shake of her head. “It’s the temptation of the Devil, not the path to Christ. The path to Christ involves doing things that you don’t always want to do. But that’s an important lesson of Christianity, that hardship and suffering brings you closer to Christ. And one key rule in the Bible is to be fruitful and multiply.”
“Doesn’t the Bible also say that doing it before you’re married is a sin?” asked Stevenson, knowing that many girls her age would be having sex in order to satisfy the anti-menstruation law.
That is a question that many people are afraid to ask. Palin declined to comment.
Linda Stevenson has been ordered to go to a sperm bank in time for her next ovulation or face life imprisonment or even the death penalty.
“We can’t afford to lose any precious human life,” Palin said. “We need to nip this in the bud, and get on the path to Christ before judgment day, when it will be too late.”
© Me, all names came out of my head. This is satire only and any resemblance to any real person, living or dead, bla bla bla, is coincidental and unintentional.